The ugly truth

Peace be upon you

Dear readers,

A one month holiday for university students is such a blessed. Fighting for the final exam is very depressing! Tough subjects for the first semester had broken my dream to achieve the Dean list * crying* I don't know what shall I get  but I'm praying so hard to Allah SWT for maintaining my CGPA pointer. please please please. It's a reality for the students to face failure in university. I'm not bluffing. There is a big contrast between matriculation or any pre-university program and university. Independent studying. Low carry marks due to difficult tests and quizzes. End up crying and moaning. Why am I facing this? Please ya Allah! Grant my du'a. It's a burden when you had your scholarship if you do not excel. Semua punah.hancur luluh hati.


I know that I am not a robot. But what I do everyday is always the same. It is repeated on the next day and the day after that and so on. It's a hectic life and I am so bored with this :( I know I have to go back to Allah. The emptiness feeling in my heart keeps growing day by day. Without Mom beside me, it makes me down to earth more! Oh Allah, everyday I'll try to be as good as I can to you. Loving you the best I can will always be my number one and only plan. Guide me to the right path.


a tool(education) is a fardhu kifayah but when I started to involve in this IQ course, I hope you ease everything for me. Please help me to spread my own talent after graduating to give benefits for my own country as well as the citizens especially for the Muslims. It is an ibadah. Renew my heart with a high iman. Let me tend to do this because of you, ya Allah! LillahiTaala. Amin. Still upset with my performance in academic but will be motivated with the hikmah behind this. The root of education is bitter but the fruits are sweet. Never leave Allah behind. Keep praying for the best. Du'a is a Muslim's weapon. Keep moving forward!

Trying

Dear readers,

November,23rd

Assalamualaikum

It was a typical day. We had  UHAS class this morning & I thought that my group members were going to present our powerpoint assignment on Perlembagaan Malaysia dalam Perspektif Hubungan Etnik.It was totally wrong! 2 groups for 2 hours.ahaha heyyy,that's a long journey to go! & of course sleepy mode turned on.I'm so sorry to all the lecturers who had taught me these past few days during lecture as I could not have the strength to be awake and listen to your knowledgeable information about the subjects!

*I usually don't sleep in class >>> that is my principle but it turns out 360 degrees now.Argghh, I'm just ashamed with myself.How do I be good and improve myself?any idea? 3 weeks less or more to go before final examination. I don't know whether I am quite prepared or not. Having quizzes and tests at anytime during the school days made me want to puke sometimes. The title of "a university student" is beyond my expectation! It's a hectic life.I'm lifeless here :(

I can't imagine how medic students study for their on sake.You need to survive no matter what.I'll just pick a random example which is so much related to me, Kakyang a.k.a Sis Syamimi had gone through it and she's working in Taiping Hospital for 1 and a half years now if I am not mistaken. She suffers a lot. Until now, she always complains about it to my parents. It gave me goosebumps!I believe that whatever pathway you choose, it's not that easy to achieve your goal. It's not always a course which offered you with professional jobs is the most difficult.Every single subject either science,literature,account or the vocational subject has it's own level of difficulties which shows that life is challenging indeed.There is no way for you to take short cuts in chasing for success.

December, 5th
I had sent my JPA documents yesterday,4/12/2014 & for your information, it was a chaos for me. I didn't have a complete set of document to be given to the officers as I did not fill up the online form due to my hectic week with 2 tests.That was a huge problem!I tried to call the technical system a few times & luckily they answered.However, I still couldn't settle it as they couldn't open the online system for the public users as the due date was 3/12/2014.They asked me to call other section,which is the one who gives you the offer letter & I did call for more than 20 times I guess.It was so depressing when no one answered. I was about to cry but I told myself that Allah will help me. so, cheer up self! La Tahzan :(
I gathered all my courage to ask one of the officers, which is Mr Aris about this. He was my life savior! He contacted his friend to open the system only for me by giving my identity card number. I was so grateful to Allah SWT because my problem had been solved easily after so many hardships that I had gone through.All praises to Allah.


This is clearly proven that there's always a way to a problem. Don't ever give up.Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Mabrouk for accepting this challenge! This gives a big impact to myself which reminds me to be alert when doing a task,improving the level of self esteem as I tend to communicate with high officers via mobile phones, gain a lot of courage to interact with strangers by sending an email and of course I learnt to be independent without relying on others as I solved this alone because my friends were busy with their documents too to be settled.



Yours sincerely,

Autumn Tears

Syukur

Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah masih bernafas hari ini,
akhirnya semua program selesai, tunggu final je ni. Ya Allah, banyak yang nak kena cover. Study bukan mudah. Slow learner macam diri sendiri, memang menguji tahap kesabaran yang tinggi. Tambah2 pulak maths method 1 & statistics. Masih mempersoalkan tentang kewajipan 2 subjek tersebut sehingga kini.*Tabahlah wahai diri. Budak Bio memang kena study semua tu eh. Ingatkan dah major Bio ni memang goodbye maths! eh eh tak pulak T_T

"Allah SWT tidak akan menguji hambanya sebab Allah tahu kemampuan seorang hambanya untuk menghadapi ujian yang diberikan olehNya. Kuat!Semangat! Jangan putus asa, Adik. Mak dah doakan yang terbaik untuk adik sebelum ni. In shaa Allah, dipermudahkan segalanya. Kepahitan akan digantikan dengan manisnya madu.Seseungguhnya Allah sentiasa bersama dengan orang-orang yang bersabar"

Allah memang pujuk adik. Aufa baru sahaja dilahirkan. Kalau diberi kesempatan, kita akan berjumpa Aufa :3 Maksu Badik sibuk di Johor. Melayan perasaan sorang2 ja di sini.hewhew. Homesick tau.Rindu Mak sangat2.oh Mak, alhamdulillah rezeki daripada Allah SWT, adik dapat JPA Mak. Sebelum ni, Mak memang nak sangat adik dapat biasiswa kan,Alhamdulillah sangat2.Bolehlah lepas ni bayar PTPTN balik.Tapi, sekarang sedang serabut dengan borang-borang yang perlu diselesaikan. Ai maklumlah, maklumat saksi,penjamin,tandatangan itulah inilah,pening kepala Adik Mak.Tapi fikirkan masa hadapan semua tu tak perlu untuk merungut.Jangan merungut bak kata kakak usrah,in shaa Allah pengakhirannya semua indah.Doa kan senjata mukmin.

Kuatlah wahai diri.Penat dengan kuiz, test yang bila2 masa ja ada.Tak enjoy life pun kat sini walaupun sebenarnya memang dah banyak kali berjimba atau buat kerja gila.Beza betul dengan matrik.Kalau kat matrik terisi sungguh masa dengan pelajaran.Kat sini mcm banyak buang masa.Tak tahulah.Adik dah terima amanah untuk belajar jadi sepatutnya kena study betul-betul.Banggakan keluarga. Amanah jangan diambil enteng. Astaghfirullahalazim.Malunya dengan diri sendiri :(

Jangan pentingkan diri boleh tak??Ya Allah tolonglah hambamu ini.

Untung sungguh kakak-kakak dan abang.Semua sudah berkerjaya.Diri sendiri baru sahaja memulakan perjalanan hidup.Baru sem 1 dah rasa macam ehhh nak teroyok@ngobok sebab susah Allah je tahu.Down to earth tau.Stress dengan macam2 kerenah orang.Risau selalu buat ghibah kann*cukup2lah gossip.Buat dosa kering :( Nak transform jadi yang lebih baik perlukan istiqamah.Nih satu lagi, cabaran okay.Bila-bila masa je Allah boleh tarik nyawa ni. Diri masih terkapai-kapai mencari identiti. Beruntung jugak diri ni sebab semua adik beradik support kalau kewangan tak mencukupi.Alhamdulillah tapi sampai bila kan???Memang kena study betul2 lepas ni, hidup 60 tahun lagi bak kata Abah *kalau panjang umur laaah.

Kadang-kadang selalu fikir, hidup di dunia mati di akhirat.Kita bawa diri seorang-seorang ja lepas ni.Kat dunia pun dah nampak,contoh paling senang study lah kann.Exam semua jawab sendiri.Tak mainlah nak cheat bagai.Even kalau tolong orang pun, ingat dia nak tolong ke masa kita susah nanti?haa satu lagi ingat dosa.Cheating is bad!Lepas tu, paling ketara kerja apa in the future. Siapa nak tanggung perbelanjaan hidup?Harapkan abah,along,kakngah,kakyang??no no no. Itulah dia permainan duniawi.Sebenarnya sementara je hidup kat sini.Akhirat yang kekal.Tapi takkan nak kejar akhirat je kan.Both kena balance. Berat betul kalau refeleks balik diri pegang title Khalifah ni.

Kenapalah sekarang baru nak fikir masalah2 ni.Itulah namanya kematangan berfikir.A year older, a year wiser.

So, lepas ni kena sentiasa kuat.

"You refused to return to Him

but He still loves you.

So,he created a hardship

which made you turn to

Him"

Lillahitaala.*Betulkan niat. In shaa Allah. Allah sayang Adik!

Yours sincerely,

Autumn Tears  

Hari Terbuka Kolej Tun Razak UTM

Salam everyone!

Special dedication to all UTM students!
Do come to Kolej Tun Razak UTM on 13-15 Nov 2014.
Lots of activities will be held.It will be fun!
The more the merrier!

You guys can follow us on;

Facebook: Hari Terbuka KTR UTM
Twitter:@GegarRazak14
Instagram:fiestagegarrazak14

Mid term break

Peace be upon you,

Dear readers,


My experience riding a night bus is typical. I am used to it after a month well known as a University Student (Mahasiswi). It was a bit tough yesterday before going back home as I had 2 quizzes which were Bioorganic Chemistry & Statistics. Alhamdulillah. He ease everything for me. However, I am not sure 100% that I am going to score well.huuuuu. It is a bless for me having a week mid term break.Great! A bunch of assignments to be accomplished before returning UTM. TESTS give me goosebumps! oh no, I will be having Mathematical Methods 1, Bioorganic Chemistry, Microbiology, Statistics & Malaysian Dynamics tests. Ya Allah, please help me, your servant. *I had my Biomolecules test last Monday :) 


Finally, I'm home relaxing myself at living room. Fatigue, I watched TV, my favourite channel, KBS World on Astro channel 392 - The Return of Superman. The cute baby twins made my day today! They are very cute and they just do what they want to do instead of listening to their dad.Funny! Kids- I miss my childhood moment because being a little kiddo, you don't have to think a lot of matters.Just be happy with your own life. That is what kids do! I realized that I'm a grown up now. And I have already faced the biggest challenge of my life, Mom went peacefully. I hope she is in heaven, In Shaa Allah, my prayers are always with you, Mom.


Too many things to be done within this week! I hope I can do all my lists, In Shaa Allah :) One of those is my assignments. hewhew. ahh, I borrowed a book - One True Thing from Perpustakaan Raja Zarith Sofiah, UTM. so, it's another mission, reading a book as the due date sending the novel falls on 27 of October if I am not mistaken. Study :/ no more honey moon I guess? dear self, please aim your target.study for the sake of Allah, Mom & Dad.Make them proud okay? My Lecturer is going to further her Post Doctoral soon and I am amazed! I hope I can follow her foot steps, one day in shaa Allah.Amin. Good luck Dr. Faezah! :) All the best Doctor!


I never thought what will I be in the future.As I stay here, UTM Allah shows me the clearer pathways after graduating Bachelor of Science in Biology. There are a lot of job prospects too although at first I was hesitating about this. huuuuu. So, Wan Sujaihah, set your goals. Bear in mind that Allah is the best planner after all. Go for dunya & akhirat. May both will be balanced, in shaa Allah. To my classmates, SMBB we are one, together we strive for excellence! Thank you for supporting me during my gloomy days. You guys are the best! *funny people I met e.g King of Selfie, nerdy , perfectionists, freaks but hey you guys are unique :) Those characteristics are fantastic! Just be as you are :D


Yours sincerely,  

Autumn Tears

Tenanglah Mak di sana :')

Perginya Mak pada 5/10/2014, Hari Raya Korban memberikan satu impak yang sangat besar buat diri dan keluarga. Nurizan binti Alang Sariah yang dulunya pendidik bangsa pergi menghadap seruan ilahi setelah 5 tahun bertarung nyawa melawan Penyakit hati (hepatitis c).Hanya mampu berdoa, itulah senjata mukmin, juga hadiah daripada anak-anak untuk pahala yang berpanjangan.Semoga arwah Mak tenang di sana hendaknya, dilapangkan & diterangi kuburnya, diampunkan segala dosanya serta ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang beriman. Amin ya rabbi.

pedih,perit,pahit.3 P yang kini sentiasa menyelubungi diri.Gagahlah wahai!, tabahlah hati, sesungguhnya, ujian ini mematangkan diri.Tiada yang kekal di dunia melainkan Allah yang Esa.Berakhir sudah derita Mak. Pernah suatu ketika arwah bertanya,

"Kenapa mak tak baik-baik walaupun dah makan ubat?"

Ya Allah.apa yang harus dijawab?

Tiada ubat yang boleh menyembuhkan liver cirrhosis. Ya, para saintis masih mengkaji. Hanya ubat-ubatan yang mampu melambatkan proses pengerasan hati. APA?livovid?propanalol?nexium?vitamin b complex?lactul solution?Oh semua itu hanya untuk melembutkan hati yang sedang rancak mengeras. Kasihan arwah Mak. Sungguh. Terlalu banyak ammonia dalam badan. Constipated sehingga diberi 40ml lactulose! Sampaikan siang & malam tidak boleh dibezakan. She's not oriented. Solat, hanya mampu mengikut sekiranya diajar.Betapa seksanya arwah. Sedih jika dikenang semula. Setiap hari ambil darah.Bengkak di tangan alah bisa tegal biasa. Mengelembung, salah cucuk branula.jarum tak masuk urat. Plaster penuh ditampal di badan. Sakitnya arwah nak mengiring ke kiri ke kanan sekiranya sudah sampai masa untuk menukar pampers.

Apa yang boleh dibuat?Diri sendiri pun kadang-kadang tidak mampu untuk berbuat apa-apa.Sekadar menyuap makan, menukar pampers, memberi makan ubat,tidak mampu untuk merasai kesakitan yang dialami oleh arwah mak.Ya Allah, engkau perkenankan doaku, pertemukanlah aku dengan arwah mak semula di Jannah. Al-fatihah. Adik sayang mak! Budak nilah yang mengada-ngada, kadang-kadang selfish tetap manja & minta dimanjakan. Maaflah mak, kalau selama ini banyak menyusahkan mak. Tiap2 minggu waktu di KMPP, balik ke Kuala Kangsar, habis duit minyak & tol. Study week, Mak & Abah datang ambil pergi Ipoh. Habis matrik, Mak gagahkan juga datang dengan Abah. Shopping kat Jusco, mak terpaksa duduk tunggu Adik beli baju sorang-sorang. Tak galakkan mak beli anak patung lavender yang agak mahal untuk  bakal cucu mak di cameron. Ajak jugak mak tengok Frozen sama2 walaupun mak tengok separuh jalan je.Pergi Bangi attend wedding reception, pergi debond braces 17/6 sama tarikh dengan endoscope mak untuk observe ulcer *mak takut sangat* Lepas adik pakai retainer, adik bagitau tak selesa, Mak bagi kata0kata positif suruh pedulikan, kan nak gigi cantik?lepas tu, Adik jaga Kak Long seminggu, tak dapat jumpa mak, end up hari Jumaat tu, simptom hepatic enchephalopathy dah start kat mak.Mak admitted wad 3027A pantai hospital Ipoh.6 hari mak kat hospital. Her health deteriorates then.

Dr Tan cakap, mak tak tahan sampai setahun.Terkedu! Diam je, bagitau Abah & yang lain.Iya, ajal di tangan Allah.kita tak tahu.wallahualam.bulan puasa, mak ke selayang, jumpa specialist.3 hari admitted.tapi mak gembira sangat dapat discharge.Mak jalan sendiri walaupun lambat!Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Mak macam biasalah sakitnya.mengerang.3/8/14, pagi tu, mak nampak sihat sangat2.alhamdulillah.Kakcik nak pulang ke Adelaide. Mak mampu pakai baju sendiri.Ceria sungguh!Tak sangka malam 3/8 lebih kurang pkl 11 malam, mak tak mampu lelap sehingga keesokannya.Kami bawa mak naik ambulance ke hospital permaisuri bainun.2 minggu mak dalam wad.cadangnya 12/8 adik nak ke Acheh, terpaksa dibatalkan.Takpa, demi mak!Dapat tahu bakal melapor diri ke UTM, jauhnya Johor, berpisah dengan mak lepas ni. Mak juga terkejut.tapi apakan daya.Menuntut ilmu itu suatu kewajipan.Semua urusan masuk Uni, buat sendiri.Terasa sangat sedih sebab masa masuk matrik maklah orang kuat beli barang & baju.Hari nak pergi Johor, mak kurang baik.Mengerang, nangis2 atas katil bilik belakang.Adik cium mak & salam begitu sahaja, terus Along bawak pergi Selayang.Dari Selayang KakNgah & Abang Ngah hantar ke UTM.

3 minggu sebagai mahasiswi,dapat panggilan daripada Abah yang mengatakan Mak koma, ya Allah!13/9/14 mak masuk hospital.Apalagi, buat surat rasmi hantar ke pensyarah.seminggu ponteng!Mak bangun dari koma lepas Adik balik.That is a miracle!Alhamdulillah.seminggu tu jugak adik jaga mak.tukar shift dengan kakcik.2 minggu adik sambung study balik.Raya Haji adik balik, dapat tau mak masuk hospital seminggu sebelum raya haji.terus ke Taiping.Abah ambil dari KFC simpang Taiping.Pagi tu, Mak sihat sikit.Mak sebut"Adikkk" ya Allah sayangnya aku pada mak.Dua hari Jaga mak.sampai sabtu, 4/10/2014.petang samapai 5/10/2014 kak ngah jaga.Kesihatan mak merosot lepas tu.rupanya dah sampai ajal Mak.Innalillahiwainnalillahirajiun.

Homesick

Dear readers,
Peace be upon you.

Alhamdulillah, I am fine staying in Skudai, Johor which is more than 100 miles away from my hometown, Kuala Kangsar, Perak. 2 weeks in UTM gone blown by the wind like dusts. My first class was a bit shocking. No lectures for 2 classes and fortunately, Prof Dr Mohamad taught me Mathematical Methods 1 on that specific day. I was just like why do I have to face maths again, thought that taking Biology as my major subject would be okay without confronting x and y solving problems.(algebra, calculus and etc)


HOMESICK. I miss Mom and Dad, my cats, my siblings - Kak Yang, Kak Ngah, Kak Cik & Along. Feeling lonely, I am so sick of it * I plan to buy bus tickets for the upcoming AidilAdha. It was my biggest mistake confirming a bus ticket from Kuala Kangsar to Johor Bahru on 6th October 2014 which is on Monday because I have classes on that date! I can't refund the ticket but I can't let it burnt like that. I don't think that this is silly as I take this situation seriously. I have been wandering around the Management Faculty to find my UHAS Malaysian Dynamic lecturer but he was on leave. Then I met Dr Norahim and discuss about this problem.


Truanting is not my style. I am responsible to attend my lectures and classes but as what my personal adviser said must be considered too.He said that what can I do instead of truanting. Hmmm, I am a new University  student and I am completely loss in dealing with things like this.I hope Allah SWT helps me within these 4 years to be able to fulfill my dreams by obtaining a high distinction degree. What an enormous problem! 


Staying here is fun too.Alhamdulillah as I am still able to breathe, enjoying these beautiful greenery scenes in UTM and making friends with others. I am trying really hard to adapt this situation. May Allah ease everything for me. Ameen ya Rabb!



Yours sincerely,


Autumn Tears