Unlucky

Hey peeps 😶
Yesterday, I had my proposal presentation & I think that was the worst state in my life. However, I don't think it is much more worse compared to when I had my 1st lab test for microbiology 😌💦 my examiner for the lab test & for my proposal presentation is the same person. I felt like an idiot being attacked by fundamental questions. Some of those I couldn't answer. I really am so frustrated & my current mood is mentally unstable. I don't feel like talking. I refuse to have conversations with my friends it's not because I don't want to but I don't have any moods. Please, why do I feel so down to earth. I don't want to look like a fool. I worked on it & it disappoints me too much. I AM NOT OKAY. Sometimes it makes me wonder does anybody care about me? I rarely call Abah お父さん because my invalid reason is I don't have time & it makes me feel bad as a daughter too. Why is this life so hard? This life is just for a while but it seems like a thousand years with lots of challenges & problems. I understand why certain people are missing in action. I tried to be positive but I am not strong enough to put a fake smile & enjoy this trashing degree life 😬 I hope that I can pass my proposal presentation because I hate it if I need to represent * hopefully not. The worst day had passed but I don't want to be in that situation again. I need to attend Viva once I have finished my project & thesis submission too would be much more hard 😭
I doubt why God chose me to be in this journey. I feel like giving up but I want to graduate. Am I going to be a scientist one fine day? Regretting why I took Biology/pure sciences in degree because the pressure is too much. However I know Allah puts me in this hard time because He knows I can handle this burden. But I don't expect much from myself 😭 I try to be positive. I want to have faith in Him. But still negative thoughts kept on tormenting me 😣 why why why? It's easy to say you just have to be calm, move on & let it go. But IT IS NOT SIMPLE. TRY TO PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. I WANT TO END THIS SOON BADLY BUT THE HELL LIFESTYLE IS JUST THE BEGINNING. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING PARANOID. I DON'T BELONG HERE. I MISS MY LATE MOM. IF ONLY I COULD SHARE THIS WITH HER. I WILL BE SO BLESSED.