Thursday, January 25, 2018

Busy life ☢⚠☠

Peace be upon you, readers! Hey I'm back posting new entry for new year. Happy new year although it is kind of late πŸ˜‚ The last post was in October 2017 after I had my proposal presentation. It was the hardest part I'd encountered and I almost gave up. Hey, there's always a rainbow after rain. Allah has planned something wonderful in the end that's why I am still alive survived from the previous months.

Here I am working in lab for my final year project. May Allah ease everything for me. To be honest I'm tired. Everyday I go to the lab working overtime. I just need to hang in there & I know I can do this in Shaa Allah. Miracle does happen for the last semester. He knows I'm struggling so hard yet he grands me excellent result for semester 7 final examination. I didn't expect much because 4th year life is super duper busy *I studied last minute & my brain hurts so much sometimes I just answered the possible answers that I guess they are logic lol πŸ˜‚ with tons of assignment they made me shed into tears.

Apart from that, I just figured out I am caffeine intolerance. After midsem break, I had 3 tests & I wasn't finished studying so I ended up drinking coffee to stay awake. That night I couldn't sleep. I had difficulty in breathing & I was in a state of tachycardia 😷 my anxiety & stress levels increased rapidly leading to tremors. Luckily I had a blood test to figure out my health condition & it seems fine thank goodness! However, the Dr prescribed me with 20mg/day propanolol to reduce my anxiety. To be honest, I am so sad because I am away from my family & I have to take care of myself. I went to the Dr alone & figure out my health status alone it made me stressed out as I feel like nobody loves or cares me. That's because I'm stuck here in Johor & my family members are in Perak. However I know that they are aware about myself because we keep in touch on family WhatsApp group & sometimes I received their calls. 

What makes me stressed more is about my lab work. I am a beginner & I have to start from scratch. I learnt from zero & got scolded while gaining knowledge. It hurts so much at the beginning but then I feel like I can cope with it as time goes by. Everything I learnt by myself, YouTube, research gate forum just name it. Luckily I have a great companion, a master student who helped me a lot. Thanks Kak Ina. May Allah repay your kindness 🌸

I think I could proudly say that I am mature now as I sacrifice my holiday *semester break for the sake of my future to graduate on time. I miss my family I really do but I have to bear just a little bit more & this nightmare will turn into a happy dream. I have faith in Allah SWT & I believe He will ease everything for me in Shaa Allah. Amin ya Rab!

Final year student,
Badik Chan Qowiyyyy πŸ’ͺ

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Ungrateful πŸ™‚

I was informed that I have passed my proposal presentation but I feel nothing at all. Am I feeling ungrateful? πŸ™‚ I should thank Allah but I'm not satisfied. My mark is not too great & I think it is kind of low but not the lowest compared to the other friends. To me this is not what I want. I hate myself for freaking out during that time. It is kind of annoying when people boast about their achievements haha yeah Allah heard your prayers but not mine so it feels awful to be honest ✌ This is just my feelings so I hope if you happen to read this, don't feel offended herher πŸ’ Maybe my prayers will be heard in the future. It depends on Allah anyway. I just have to believe in Him & of course myself for not giving up. I should be grateful for what I have after all this time. Hence, just take a good care of yourself. FYUP is not everything because you still have other subjects to score 😌 keep on studying & do the best instead of thinking you are useless or an idiot just because of FYUP hahahhaa.
A reminder to ponder;
If you think you are stupid, then why are you a university student? 😊 You are a diamond that will shine bright someday. Silly things like overthinking will ruin yourself more so keep on moving forward because you will excel this journey in Shaa Allah 🌸

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Unlucky

Hey peeps 😢
Yesterday, I had my proposal presentation & I think that was the worst state in my life. However, I don't think it is much more worse compared to when I had my 1st lab test for microbiology πŸ˜ŒπŸ’¦ my examiner for the lab test & for my proposal presentation is the same person. I felt like an idiot being attacked by fundamental questions. Some of those I couldn't answer. I really am so frustrated & my current mood is mentally unstable. I don't feel like talking. I refuse to have conversations with my friends it's not because I don't want to but I don't have any moods. Please, why do I feel so down to earth. I don't want to look like a fool. I worked on it & it disappoints me too much. I AM NOT OKAY. Sometimes it makes me wonder does anybody care about me? I rarely call Abah γŠηˆΆγ•γ‚“ because my invalid reason is I don't have time & it makes me feel bad as a daughter too. Why is this life so hard? This life is just for a while but it seems like a thousand years with lots of challenges & problems. I understand why certain people are missing in action. I tried to be positive but I am not strong enough to put a fake smile & enjoy this trashing degree life 😬 I hope that I can pass my proposal presentation because I hate it if I need to represent * hopefully not. The worst day had passed but I don't want to be in that situation again. I need to attend Viva once I have finished my project & thesis submission too would be much more hard 😭
I doubt why God chose me to be in this journey. I feel like giving up but I want to graduate. Am I going to be a scientist one fine day? Regretting why I took Biology/pure sciences in degree because the pressure is too much. However I know Allah puts me in this hard time because He knows I can handle this burden. But I don't expect much from myself 😭 I try to be positive. I want to have faith in Him. But still negative thoughts kept on tormenting me 😣 why why why? It's easy to say you just have to be calm, move on & let it go. But IT IS NOT SIMPLE. TRY TO PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES. I WANT TO END THIS SOON BADLY BUT THE HELL LIFESTYLE IS JUST THE BEGINNING. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING PARANOID. I DON'T BELONG HERE. I MISS MY LATE MOM. IF ONLY I COULD SHARE THIS WITH HER. I WILL BE SO BLESSED.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Sayonara USM πŸŽ“

Morning peeps! Peace be upon you. Although I have been rubbing my eyes a few times, I just can't believe that I have finished my 3 months internship at School of Biological Sciences, USM Penang.

I told you before, that I'm counting days to end this as soon as possible. Alhamdulillah mission accomplished πŸ˜‚πŸ’š I'm a bit free for a week without any lab works. *Feeling free and relief 😁😁😁 I'm on cloud nine (jumping)

Anyway, there must be a hikmah/lesson learnt from this journey. I think Allah gives me the taste of "FYUP" (final year undergraduate project) so I do now know how am I supposed to face my final year which will start this early September 😰 He trains me to prepare mentally & physically before I enter my next phase.

3 months full of tears. I cried almost every week because of stress. I hope I can handle stress for FYUP after this in Shaa Allah. Well, that's because I learnt something new which is not that exactly related to Biology but more towards chemistry. My supervisor is expert in Nanobiotech therefore, I helped my mentor(master student) to synthesise nanoparticles. Besides, Dr is trying to do research on application so I got a mini project to test the real sample from industrial fish waste & the aim of the study is to study the adsorption of protein on Cellulose nanocrystal/ magnetic nanoparticles.

I remembered Dr Yazmin brought me to a fish factory & we collected the samples there. I met a few of her friends that collaborate with her project & they are from materials engineering department. I tend to think that if I study Biology, I will be a biologist forever but this changed my mind 360 degree. You will learn a lot of new things which is out of your comfort zone and of course different fields. (Tiba2 masuk engineering weh 😭) So can you understand my feelings now? Why am I so stressed?

Moreover, almost everyday, if I have to synthesise Cellulose nanocrystal, I must walk to School of Industrial Technology with my mentor to do the lab works. I usually don't stay at SBS's lab πŸ˜… and the process is too long. Almost 2 weeks that finally you can freeze dry your sample from 20g isolated oil palm trunk that has been treated with mechanical treatments.

I am stress but I know my mentor is facing the problem too. I feel blessed to have her as my mentor . She is being so tolerate with me. I am not a quick learner. My lab skill is so-so. Because of anxiety & stress sometimes it is hard to handle the equipments. (Hopefully, I don't have essential tremor) I will remember you, Yee Ying Chuin 🌸 All the best for your master journey πŸŽ“

This is a thread I have made before & posted on Facebook/Twitter. I hope it helps especially for my juniors.

A thread for pure/industrial Biology students who secure their internship placement at School of Biological Sciences, USM πŸŽ“

1)First of all, it's a government Institution hence there will be no allowance provided.

2)Training is mainly focus on research works. So there will be tons of labworks. Tbh it is very tiring πŸ˜….

3)SV chooses you.(UTM students) you will meet & recognise them for the first time meeting πŸ˜‚.

4)Project given is based on SV's expertise. As for me, Dr Yazmin deals with Nanobiotech. What I did is synthesizing nanoparticles.

5)you will help your mentor's project work (master/PhD) it depends on your SV to give a mini project. I got a mini project too.

6)mini project won't be completed in 3 months πŸ˜‚ serious talk. Because time is limited & too many things need to be done.unless you're GENIUS.

7)Mini project is like FYP. You need to study at the same time planning experiment with your mentor. Indeed it's stressful(haven't done FYP).

8)ex:Dr plans, CNC production,immobilised & desorb GOX, Bradford assay, ABTS assay, SDS PAGE, FTIR. I did only:CNC, MNP,SDS PAGE & Bradford.

9)instead of studying enzyme GOX, I did the real sample testing (fishwaste water) to study the adsorption of protein on nanoparticles.

10)your work will not only related to Biology.As for me, this project is more towards chemistry. So you can imagine all the calculations etc.

11)If you get a project related to chemistry, make sure to revise your analytical chemistry/biochemistry/bioorganic during 1st year.

12)only chemistry students know about adsorption kinetics ( Langmuir & Freundlich) I don't understand this πŸ˜‚.

13)Every week, there will be a meeting for your progress report hence please prepare slides, be ready & deliver your presentation 😎.

14)SV will ask you weird questions. Don't freak out! Your mentor will be there to defend you πŸ˜‚.

15)A farewell party for you is a must at the end of your internship day. SVs and mentors will make a lot of surprises for you 😍.


Warm regards,
Badik Chan Qowiyyyy πŸ’ͺ

Friday, July 14, 2017

Despair 😒

Peace be upon you, readers! I hope my silent reader is still following my posts lol πŸ˜‚ as I'm a bit busy recently. You know who you are. Thanks for asking me before, I appreciate your concern hehe πŸ’š

This marks my 1st month adapting my internship at School of Biology in USM Penang. I just realized that I'm not into this working environment at all. Besides, the project given is something new for me to discover yet it is out of my comfort zone! I haven't deal with nanoparticles or nanobiotech πŸ˜…πŸ’¦ this is so related to chemistry work. I feel like an idiot 😫 I always tend to overthink & end up knowing that oh the calculation sometimes is simple but I couldn't even get it. I know I am so noob, I always ask how & why yet my mentor helped me a lot but still I feel like I am a burden for her sorry YC πŸ˜₯

I'm trying my best to help you but I do a lot of mistakes too. I think I am too paranoid hurmm, I hope YC wouldn't think bad about me etc. There's too many things in my mind. This just led me stress and I burst out tears 😭 I just want 3 months will pass quickly. Another thing is that every week, we will have a meeting & should present our progress report. I know there's a benefit for both parties, but still when the Professors criticize your bad experiment result, it will led your spirit down. Yes, I certainly know that they are trying to put us back on the right track etc but I am a sensitive person. I usually couldn't handle this kind of situation too. I hope my next meeting will be a smooth sailing journey for me. May Allah ease everything in Shaa Allah πŸ™

I still think that I am a crybaby. People said that all the experiences & hardships you have gone through will help you to be mature but that doesn't affect me at all. 😭😭😭 I want my Abah to be here & take a good care of me, I know I am a spoilt brat but I don't care. Who else is going to support me besides Abah & my siblings. It hurts a lot when you know that you can't share your story to your mom. If only Mom is still alive. I know I'm going to have a long conversation on the phone & cryyyyyy 😭

Please appreciate your parents while they are still there for you. Once, they are gone, I am sure you're going to miss them like crazy. You are the luckiest person if you still have both of your parents who can motivate you. As for me, only my prayer is for my late Mom. Al Fatihah 😒 If you happen to read this new entry, pray for me. I hope Allah will ease everything for you too in shaa Allah πŸ’š

Warm regards,
Badik Chan Qowiyyyy πŸ’ͺ

Monday, January 23, 2017

Back home 🌟

Peace be upon you πŸ’š

This is the time for me to express my feelings into words. Haha I'm glad to be able to. Just look at my current situation, it's semester break, guys! *Smiling from ear to ear 😁😁😁

Actually, my sem break starts on Jan 9th to be specific and will end soon during my birthday 😭 I might celebrate my 22nd birthday alone while thinking about my unfortunate fate on why should I be back to Uni so early *crying under pillows.
10th February, that's a date to remember 🌟 Take note,please my silent reader@ future soulmate πŸ˜‚πŸ’š

On this date, she, the love of your life is born. You should appreciate her, love her, protect her, withstand with her childish behaviour, guide her to the right path, trust her and the most important thing is devotion πŸ’Œ

Why am i feeling shy out of sudden πŸ˜‚ It's like I'm writing to my future spouse.
Nahhh everybody wants to be loved. Let's spread the love & live happily ever after "ClichΓ©"πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

That's enough, shoo shoo those fluffy vibes right now πŸ˜‚

Staying at home is a bless but that's just for a couple of days to be honest. I felt lonely πŸ˜‚ there's nobody here except me myself & dad. Luckily, we had a trip to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah for 5 days & 4 nights with my brother, sister in-law & baby niece ✈ That's my third time visit as I have been there before with dad whenever I encounter my semester break. My sister works there as a medical officer in Queen Elizabeth Hospital 1. I hope she will be back to serve for Penisular Malaysia as it's not easy to meet her 😭 you never know how much I miss her. It's like you'll be meeting her once half a year. We had fun because the trip is adventurous & mostly what we do is food hunting! Hahahah πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
My family is known as food hunters. Well that's because we love to eat!!! I seriously like to gobble anything that is finger licking good haha then, I'll be insane ranting on Twitter that I'm getting fat lol those evil lipids love to stay on my cheek making it even chubbier oh no I'm totally annoyed 😣😣😣😣

So I come up with a solution to exercise πŸ˜† I don't prefer jogging as I need to get ready wearing my sport attire & scarf. It's time consuming!!! I love to do something indoor where nobody can judge me nor see me.haha I browsed back my old folders containing my KPop dance step videos* oh I was once a KPopper πŸ˜‚ There are a lot of options from Super Junior, B2st, Shinee, DBSK, SNSD hahaha just name it! Lol
I just dance whatever steps that I think might be possible to let me drench with sweat. Hey, I am a bad dancer! I don't know how to dance seriously. My body is so stiff lol glad this is indoor , I can do what I want hahaha πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜† because the Boom Boom Dance Step Super Junior is a bit extreme like hell πŸ˜‚ I dropped my glass. Hahaha the glass flew out of the frame while I was doing the vigorous activity! Hilarious πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ that's my funny experience to share with you.lol

I went to Ipoh to watch Football match between Perak and Pahang. The match is so-so but still you feel angry whenever the ball hits the pole. Hurmm, there were many people & my brother told me that we need to be there an hour early. After maghrib prayer we hopped on a motorcycle & drove there. The road was congested!! It's a smart choice to ride on a motorbike instead of driving a car. I bought a mafla- "Kejor Yeop Kejor, Perak" tagline on it πŸ˜‚ ahahha
The next day, I spent my weekend with my baby niece. My brother treated lunch - oh it's Sushi King πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹ thank you, Along!πŸ±πŸ£πŸœπŸ›πŸ™πŸ˜

We went to Aeon Klebang & my sister in-law wanted to buy some presents for her friend's baby boy who turns 1 year old. My brother was interested to buy a new shoe for my niece but couldn't because the arcade seemed to catch her eyes more. When we said " Cantiknya kasut. Jom pakai. Beli kasut baru jom" she replied "Taknak!" Omg this girl πŸ˜₯ hence Along bought 5 tokens & we played several games. When we're about to return home, she didn't want to give a cooperation. My sister in-law starts to bribe her saying there's a merry go round where she can play & ride on a white horse. πŸ˜‚ My dear baby niece started to throw tantrums when we actually rushed to Sushi King for lunch πŸ˜… oh god, her mother felt sorry for her & brought her to Kidzoonia where it's a place for children to play. It was her first time there & she played joyfully 🌸🌸🌸
That's the struggle when you become a parent. I can't imagine how am I going to raise my kids in the future. I hope I will be a strict mother πŸ˜‚ & of course a loving mom πŸ’š

At the end of the day, I cooked dinner with my sister in-law. We made Carbonara with Spinach & the taste is tasty!!! It's a great combination of mushroom, spinach & chicken breasts with grated cheese & full cream milk. Oh no cholesterol!!! Do I care?!πŸ˜‚ Thus, my brother suggested me to play Just Dance. It's a dance game, where you need a camera along with the PlayStation remote connected to your TV & of course Wi-fi. I dance several songs & tried to beat his perfect score!Lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I was drenched with sweat & panting catching my breath. I don't know whether it can cause my cheek slimmer or not πŸ˜‚ hahahha but still my body felt sore. Muscle stiffness 😭😭😭

I'll update more entry soon 🌸 Thanks for reading πŸ’š

Warm regards,
Autumn Tears 🍁
-Badik Chan 😁

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Silent readers 🌸

Peace be upon you.
I'm having my mid semester break for a week right now so I'm currently at home. Alhamdulillah I'm in the pink of health and I hope you too 😊
My sister, Kakcik decided to travel back home once she knew I will spend the rest of the days in Kuala Kangsar, Perak. Of course I'm over the moon because I haven't met her since September after her graduation day in Adelaide. So many things to do but so little time. I wish my holiday is longer than a week. Sobs 😞😞😞 I have to cope with my studies too & it stressed me up. Please pray for my success. Ameen.
Anyway, what's with the entry today? It seems curios right? To be honest, I'm anxious about this after gossiping with Kakcik πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Well, Kakcik told me that she had a silent reader who read her blog.lmao!!! But you know what, it seems creepy because that anonymous tend to message her personally on Facebook. Maigoddd what is this?does it sound like Mystic MessengerπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ hahha sorry I'm really into MM though I have stopped playing it after finishing Jumin's route.hehe πŸ’œ
It's uncomfortable though if that happens to me.hahaha Do I have a silent reader too? Haha if I do, whoever you are thank you for reading my entries although I used to speak out my mind here & talking nonsense lmao Sorry for annoying you with these posts since 2009 hahhaa πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ My sis told me that she was only joking by writing "please boost up my spirit to further my Master in UIA" & it turns out that "he" took this opportunity to personally message her on Facebook. 😱😱😱😱 I dare to challenge any silent readers to do the same.hahahha * if you have the guts to do so πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’

Well bye then! See you on my next post!
Warm regards🌸
Badik Chan 😁